(i wrote this as quickly as i could so it was all still fresh for me...i haven't really re-read it or edited it but i don't know when i will find time for perfection...)
This is a story of how plans can never be solid because life just does not work out that way. this is why i didn't write a birth plan and decided the best idea was to go with the flow of this entirely new event.
Tuesday morning (9/14) i woke up at 2am with a small pain and went to the bathroom. that was when i noticed the first real blood of the bloody show. i figured the pain was just a pain, i didn't think "this is a contraction"....until 3am when i woke up in pain again. what i would describe as a pain worse then the worst period pain ever but much shorter. i thought, "i think that's a contraction" when i got another one i was nearly certain and by the third one i looked at the clock again to see the time. i was trying to just stay in bed because contractions can go on for weeks before real labor and i was tired. at around 4am i noticed that the contractions were 15-20 minutes apart. i layed in bed still trying to go back to sleep and get rest. no one wants to be up at 3am. no rest came. the pains continued every 15 minutes, so i tossed and turned for another hour through them trying not to wake JP.
At 5 am i realized i was not getting back to sleep. these hurt to much and came on the dot at 15 minute intervals. i got out of bed quietly and got ready to settle down in the living room with a cup of tea and a movie. i woke my mom who was sleeping on the couch and told her i was having contractions 15 minutes apart but that i didn't think anything was imminent, i simply couldn't sleep and didn't want to wake jp. we rented "Confessions of a Shopaholic" on demand cause i wanted to have a lighter moood and JP would never let me rent it on demand otherwise :) Around 6:20am Roxie woke up so i decided it would be a good time to get some walking in. We walked her and she was really good and slow and it was somewhat better to walk through some of the contractions. We got back in the house around 6:40 and i knew JP had set his alarm early for 6:45am because he planned on going to work early and studying before starting the work day. At this point it was apparent these contractions were not letting up and even if i didn't go into real labor i still wanted my support person with me. So i woke him to tell him that he should call/email into work and let them know he couldn't come in because i was in labor. I think this the first time i realized i was actually and really in labor. He emailed work but i told him to go back to sleep. I wasn't progressing quickly at all and it was something i was handling. If i was in labor for a long time i would need him to have gotten sleep. if i only knew...
From then on i just tried to go about my day. Eating, watching tv, reading, sitting on the birth ball. Nothing ever subsided or got much faster. Occasionally there would be a random contraction closer together, or something more intense but no pattern. I was able to get a nap in from 10-11am. that was nice. I was woken by contractions still and they continued at 10-15 minutes apart. I took a shower with JP and he settled into trying to relax at home with me. When things got more painful i asked if we could go on a walk with Roxie. Keeping moving i knew, was going to help the baby come down and help labor progress. I had to stop along the walk but all in all it was a bit better. Back in the house i also tried to keep moving, which basically meant i was pacing. I had a ton of energy and the urge to do things but i fought that because i knew i was already tired and if i couldn't sleep through this i was probably not going to sleep. My fear at this point was that this was going to be "false labor" and that after all this time the contractions would simply stop and labor would be days or weeks off. around 3pm i was able to get another nap in, i was really fighting to conserve energy, to eat and drink a lot and stay positive. i slept for an hour and it was good for me.
We timed contractions on and off all day. At some point jp mentioned that things seemed to be more intense. he had been a perfect husband and when a contraction started coming i would wave or yell for him and he would come over to me. i would bury my face into his shoulder and he would hold me and we would rock back and forth. this was by far the only helpful position i found and we stuck with it. it also meant he was right there with me for every contraction. as much as i love my mom, she was just not who i wanted when i was in this pain. when he mentioned them getting more intense he and my mom started timing them. i would yell, "now" or "look at the time" and they would write it down. i would breathe and dance through it and tell them when to stop. at this point they were 3-5 minutes apart. it was about 8pm. I took another shower because i know that can be helpful. it wasn't but it was nice to know i was clean :) I sat in the living room watching tv and jp went into the bedroom to watch the Patriots game. Surprisingly he would come in when i called him and even once got to me just as a contraction started and it was nice to see he was paying attention to both.
It was around 9:30pm that i looked at the little chart of contractions i had been having and said "hey everyone, these have been 3-5 minutes apart for over an hour) I asked JP to come into the living room because it was so that i had less and less time in between to recover. I decided to call the Birth Center.
Connie the midwife on call returned my call and said i should probably come in. That i might get sent home but she wanted to check my progress. so, we got all of our things ready and headed out. She was very nice. When we got there she checked me out...at that point i was 80% effaced, 1-2 centimeters Dialated, and at 0 station. She said she could feel the baby's head one knuckle in and that was awesome, baby was low. She wanted to wait an hour or so so she could check my progress. So we hung out just waiting until she could check again. everyone kept saying i was doing so well, and i remember thinking "yes they are saying what they are supposed to" When she checked again i was the same. it was at the birth center that the fun realization came that when i sat on the toilet to go pee, it caused a severe contraction. So now, i was staying hydrated and having to pee every 10 minutes or so and that was causing immense pain. At that point i had to have jp come to the bathroom with me so i could hold his hands through the contractions i got from sitting on the toilet. She said she would send me home but she wanted to get a quick reading on how the baby was handling the contractions at 3-5 minutes apart and around 30 seconds to a minute long. ( my contractions the whole time would be the same for a few hours and then change, 30 seconds long, 1 minute long, 90 seonds long, it was frustrating) baby was doing just like she should, her heart beat would slow before a contraction, speed up during and slow back to normal right after) connie said she reallly wanted me to get some rest, so she prescribed me an Ambien so i could get sleep through the contractions...
we picked up the ambien on the way home, everything was getting harder so i was excited at this prospect of sleep. contractions were strong and frequent. i took the ambien and jp and i got into bed ready for some rest. mom went to sleep as well. i was happy that my support team was getting rest but i was not. i was wondering when this pill would kick in because my contractions were really painful. i don't remember alot from this night other then it being pretty much like the worst acid trip ever. i think i would fall asleep for about 5 minutes at a time, then a contraction would come and it was huge and painful. i would rear up in bed and shake jp next to me telling him i needed help because i was in pain. poor guy is a good sleeper and didn't wake up. then i would crawl out of bed into the dining room or kitchen and grind my teeth through a contraction only i had no idea what was going on. i didn't know i was in labor or pregnant or why i was in so much pain. just that it hurt and i didn't know what was going on or where i was or what to do. after hours of that, i woke up my mom and told her i needed help. we drew a bath and i got in and i remember crying because i was so confused. the water didn't help and i was just out of it. i clearly remember stepping out of the bathtub and her asking me if i needed something and i told her" i don't know, i don't know what is going on, i'm so confused" that was one of the worst nights of my life, hands down.
On Tuesday morning we called the midwife again. I told her about getting no sleep and still having constant contractions close together 60-90 long. She said we should come back in. i don't really remember what time it was, but i think it was around 6 that we got back to the Birth Center. Connie checked me again and found i was 90% effaced, 0 station and only 3 centimeters dilated. basically i was not dilating along with all the other progress. i knew at this rate i would not hold out. my body was giving up to exhaustion. i was doing my best to keep positive and i had researched enough to know what kind of options i had. I told her i that i wanted something for the pain. She reminded me of the birth i wanted and said that she could send me to the hospital (literally steps away) for Morphine. The morphine would allow me to sleep and hopefully revive me enough for the rest of the journey. Also, we could dilate more while i was sleeping through contractions. She wanted me to know that often times people go to the hospital and give up on their plan. She told JP to remind me of what i wanted, so i didn't give up.
We got over to the hospital and up to Labor and Delivery. This was just in time for a shift change. A new midwife, Laura brought me over to the hospital and got me set up. We got hooked up to the blood pressure machine ( i was convinced from here on out that this machine was out to kill me haha) and the fetal heart monitor. i hated the monitor. it was itchy. hearing the baby's heartbeat made me nervous. they had to make sure baby was ok before giving me drugs. after an hour or more on the monitor i broke down just wanting it off. i cried to laura telling her how much i hated it. she said she understood but she had to be certain. she had heard something iffy in the heartbeat and wanted to keep it on a bit longer to make sure it was nothing. i did my best to stay calm and held out. finally she said it was indeed nothing, baby was just fine in there and she would get the morphine. mom went home for rest and walk roxie since it would be a few hours for me on morphine. jp settled down into a chair that turns into a cot thing. he was pulled right up against my bed so i could hold his hand the entire time. we were both so exhausted. my morphine shot was awesome, as was the nurse i had during this day. she was really funny and reassuring. she said it would take about 30 min to kick in. i started to feel sleepy but not enough that i could actually rest so i called to tell her. she said they had given me a little and could definitely up the dose to help me. the second dose helped and i was out. i slept. i slept some more. for hours. it was wonderful. when i woke up i got to go pee without pain and i was still drowsy. when the nurse came in she said i should just keep trying to sleep as much as i could. again, i don't know how long i slept. i know that around 3 i was awake and they brought me some food, a plain turkey sandwich. i felt really good for about an hour of being awake and then, contractions came in big and strong. the next internal showed that i was still not dilating. after all day i had contractions for 60-90 seconds long, 3-5 min apart and i had made no progress. i told jp that my body couldn't do this anymore. i had to listen to that...i asked for an epidural.
Laura came in and sat on my bed and said that Connie had asked her to remind me of the birth i wanted in the birth center. then she went on to say that every midwife is different and that was just not her style. she said she doesn't really believe in plans and what she believes in is being in the moment and listening to what your body and baby need. that was so reassuring. she said no one was disappointed in me and that it was amazing i was in labor for something like 40 hours before i even considered an epidural.
So they ordered that. Dani came to visit around now and it was uneventful really. we just all waited around for the drugs. The nurse (Jennifer) came in and told me about the epidural, that they would ask me to be very still and a tube would be put into my spine. That i would be numb from the waist down but it would not take everything away, just make it easier. She said i would also get a catheter since i wouldn't be able to go to the bathroom. i said i was excited for that. after 10 months of being in the bathroom every 3 minutes, not having to get up to pee sounded fabulous!
no one could be in the room with me when i got the epidural since it had to be sterile. So jennifer was there and the anesthesiologist. both were very nice. i held on to jennifer and sat as still as possible even through excruciating contractions. the anesthesiologist said i was really good and she was impressed with how still i was. it took a lot of focus. and then it was in. everyone came back into the room and slowly i began to feel better. i could feel the pressure of the contractions but everything was so much better.
After the epidural i was able to joke around a bit and generally relax. i would by no means say i was not in pain but it was way way less and my body was very happy about that. Then we just waited. I was getting checked to see my progress every now and then. i don't even remember how fast i was progressing. I had pitocin and that started to help things along definitely. By the night time i was starting to progress about a centimeter per hour. I was able to get some sleep on and off and JP and my mom were able to sleep as well. i let them sleep and i would simply call the nurse in if i needed anything. By 7pm we had a shift change and my midwife changed from Laura to Pari and my nurse from Jennifer to Carol. It takes a while to make the switch for my comfort level but both were really great. the nurse would periodically come in and check my stats and turn me over. one of the weirdest feelings is not being able to feel your legs. at around 3am i was dilated to 7cm. this was great, finally progress.
Now i started to worry about pushing and what that was like. Would they force me to be on my back? would it hurt? would i have the strength to do it? i started to cry and asked the nurse these questions. she said"well, do you want me to tell you about it?" and i did. she calmly stood near my bed and explained. she said that what i would feel would be a lot of pressure like had to poop. that i would know when that was, that it would be more then i felt now. she said mostly what happens is women get so worked up and scared and emotional and they break down and use all their energy in screaming or crying or being scared and that is what she thinks makes pushing so hard. she said she wanted me to stay calm and focus on getting the baby out. i felt a bit better. she said also that we would try pushing in all kinds of positions because those are things that work. she said that i would push when there was a contraction and i would push three times for each contraction, pushing as hard as i could til i could not hold my breath any longer.
at 4am Pari checked me and i was 8cm. i was now well on the way and she said i should be going soon. i woke my mom up and Pari said the baby was so close she could see the baby's black hair. I could feel the pressure, like a huge tampon that needed to come out. it was so uncomfortable and i was barely coping again. i told my mom to wake jp because i needed him for support. he woke up and held my hand and told me what a good job i was doing. i was crying. at 5am i was checked again and i was 9cm. i was elated that progress was finally being made but scared and internally losing it. i was really trying to be strong and keep it together like everyone kept telling me to do. but everyone had not been in labor for 3 days. it really felt like this baby would never come out. at 530am i was at 9.5 cm, which meant there was a little lip that won't go back and the baby's head was stuck there. Pari said if we started pushing now i could swell up and the baby wouldn't come out for a long time. but the feeling to push was overwhelming. so she said we could try a few pushes while she tried to get the lip over the baby's head. i pushed two times and it was such a relief but it didn't do the trick. Now i was in pain and pressure land and i literally had a babies head at +2 station (meaning right there) and all i could do is wait. my pitocin was upped as it had been all day. i also got a bit more of the epidural but i didn't notice a difference. at 6am i was checked again and didn't move past 9.5cm.
my mom went for coffee for her and jp. at 7am there was a shift change of nurses so i was losing carol. just before she left i called her and told her i was certain that i was ready to have the baby and i needed to push. she said Pari wanted to wait another hour to even check me again because i was kind of stalled. she said someone would come in at 8. about 10 minutes later i lost it, i was crying to jp and said i couldn't do it any longer. i said the pressure was way way way more then it had been an hour ago and i needed to be checked. i called the nurse. it was a new nurse and she said, ok i will get the midwife. Pari came in and i explained. i know she thought i was just getting emotional and explained that she didn't want to check again until 8am. i said i understood that but that i knew the baby and i were ready and i insisted she check me. i think she was really surprised and she looked up and said, ok we are fully dilated, we can push.
from that moment it was all very fast. nurses came in and gloves were put on. i remember jp drinking his entire cup of coffee really fast. i had been wearing the oxygen mask and i took the strap off so jp could just put it on my face in between pushing. there were nurses and all kinds of people in the room now. i was just trying not to cry. focusing on jp. Pari was telling me that her shift was over and there was nother midwife on duty now who was on her way. she said the new midwife would finish my labor and catch the baby. none of it mattered to me at that point. she said that jp would hold one leg and my mom would hold another. that i would put my hands on my thighs to pull back. that was all the instruction she gave. i remember telling her a contraction was coming, could i push now and she said yes. so i did that. it was 7:20am. i held my legs and jp and my mom did the same and i pushed and everyone said i was doing really well. i was thinking, yes i have seen those baby story shows, everyone always says you are doing good. i did the three pushes and waited. next contraction the same. no one ever told me progress just that i was doing good. my mom was crying. i was just focused on this pushing business. after about 2-3 contractions Pari said that on the next contraction i had to not push. this was awful feeling cause all i wanted was to push. so during the next contraction she had oil that she used to massage me to prevent tearing. on the next contraction i asked if i could push and she said not yet. on the third one i pretty much begged to push and she said ok. so i kept pushing. at 7:30am Coraline Mae was born, i don't think anyone expected her to come so fast but inside i knew it wouldn't be long once we started.
i was crying and everyone was saying that the baby was ok. she was immediately taken by the pediatric nurse. no one said anything to me but i heard Pari say Meconium so i knew that she had pooped inside and that was something they needed to check for. she wasn't crying. i knew she was fine though. about a minute or two after she was delivered i said "can someone please tell me what it is?" because no one had yelled, it's a boy or it's a girl. after that i told jp to go over there and see her, and watch her. i am pretty sure he was crying but i was so emotional myself. Pari and the nurse were there and she said that she wanted me to push like i had just done to get her out, so i did and easily delivered the placenta. before i got the baby i heard Pari say there was no tearing and no swelling and that i was amazing.
then they handed me my baby girl and i cried and i was just so relieved that both Coraline and I got through 53 hours of labor and even though we needed some medical help, we did it together pushing and working together.
